From a moment of reflection of 2012 today...
Today I looked at one of those "losses of 2012" articles that I've been avoiding. I was surprised at a few "losses" that had passed that I hadn't been aware of. But, all the while I was thinking of some dear friends and loved ones, as I looked for familiar names of those we haven't "lost" but of those that have left us this year... my precious daddy, Bob's dad, Erin's mom and dad, Dave's mom, Norman's dad, our friend Fred, sweet Leonard, Magna's mom, Malinda's husband, Lisa's daughter, Deb's dad, Judy's mom, Phyllis' dad, Curtis' mom and dad, Laurie's aunt and Bodie, Sherry's husband and Ida's dad. I thought of each one. With the newspaper and article still in my hands, my heart was heavy with a handful of heartaches as I began watching my mom's recorded "last" Christmas Eve service from the Crystal Cathedral. After seeing the familiar sites and beautiful sounds of Christmas music that brings back cherished memories of Christmas over the last 30 plus years (and at the same time a dark sense of another loss of something and somewhere familiar like home), I listened to Robbie Schuller talk about the Season of Advent. He took a completely new twist as he talked about how Advent is a season of darkness and waiting, and at the end of Advent - Christ comes... as light in the darkness and the answer to our waiting. In Robbie's comparison of a time of darkness, of grief and loss to Advent, I heard a completely new lesson of Advent that I have never heard before. Who talks about darkness, loss and grief in comparison with Advent - and Christmas? But it's true! With grief we DO go through a season of "Advent"... but in that season of darkness, wandering, wondering, waiting - Christ does come and brings us healing, light and hope. Christmas Day does eventually arrive giving us hope as we journey in those dark times in our lives that we all will journey through. JOURNEY through - not the destination... JOURNEY THROUGH. It IS a journey!! A journey is literally where we travel through and do not stay or remain... it is not the destination.
This journey has had changing scenery along the way that I never would have expected. Changes of relationships with friends, unexpected choices of extended family members, unexpected responses from both friends and extended family members, accomplishments, comfort in the familiar, comfort in the unexpected, disappointments in the unexpected, disapointments of the familiar, learning new or updated meanings of words like abandonment, courage, faith, protection, sabotage, expectations, anxiety, comparison, sympathy, cherish, release, let go, embrace, survive, silence and presence.
Nearly a month ago I stumbled upon a ministry and website called GriefShare.org. I signed up for the daily devotional emails and have to say that as I have looked forward to reading the email delivery every evening, I have repeatedly said "that's how I feel". If you're stumbling through the journey of grief, too, no matter where you're at in the journey, I encourage you to click on www.griefshare.org to receive daily encouragement, too.
I see the look in many caring people's eyes that they want to ask but haven't known how to... "how are you?" The "season" was really really hard to get through. I took it in VERY small steps and worked VERY hard not to run away from Christmas or to avoid it. I found quiet corners and bathrooms in public places to have my teary "melt downs" as the sound of happy Christmas Carols bellowed through sound systems everywhere you go, the twinkling of Christmas lights, and suggestions of what to buy for Dad for Christmas seemed to be in my face at every turn. Christmas carols singing of "Sing all ye citizens of Heav'n above" choked me up every time. Determined to enjoy Christmas, I made concious choices to FIND the joy instead of being reminded of my sorrow! I called upon the words of other Christmas Carols to echo through my mind "God rest ye merry gentlemen, let nothing you dismay. Remember Christ our Savior was born on Christmas Day. To save us all from Satan's pow'r when we had gone astray. Oh Tidings of Comfort and Joy, Comfort and Joy. Oh Tidings of COMFORT AND JOY..." At home, and where I could control, I listened to instrumental Christmas music WITHOUT lyrics, I decorated the tree and house simply without all of the usual familiar decorations. For another Blog... I used representatives of nature that God has strategically brought me comfort and healing with throughout the year since April 18th - butterflies. A beautiful little collection of butterflies are on our Christmas tree, and tucked into special places around the house have brought comfort from a new-normal and new-familiar. Ultimately, Christmas Day did come! I found the season and build up of the day to be much harder to cope with than the actual day. Last Christmas Day (2011) was SO much worse! It was obviously going to be our "last" Christmas with my dad... and he wasn't at home with us, we went to visit him at "that" place, and he wasn't aware that it was Christmas. It was a cruel day reminding us that we actually had the "last" Christmas as we knew it to be the previous year (2010). Lewy Body Dementia (LBD or Lewy) was vicious with all of us, our hearts, and our emotions! I remember sobbing in my mom's arms last year. At the end of the day just a few days ago, on Christmas Day, I actually sensed a feeling of "relief" for the first time in this most unpredictable journey of Lewy and grief.
Another new chapter begins very soon. Another New Year's Eve. Another New Year. New emotional and relationship surroundings to accept. New stages of life to accept. Familiar health choices to recommit to. Unfamiliar landscapes to brave. Basics to embrace. Bravery to embrace, and bravery to let go.
Christmas Day did come! On my own densely dark journey through grief, as dark as it has been - I have not feared the dark because even though I could not always see the hands that held my hands or seen the footprints in the sand that carried me... I knew that I was being carried. I am still on the journey, and have a long way to go but I am grateful for the support and patience of my Lord, my family and the loves in my life.
Christmas Day Love!
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